Five Meme: Genius On A String
by curi
Summary: Five Times Having the Quickest Brain In The 'Verse Did Not Help River Tam. Gen and Jayne/River. Rated for language. A stand-alone companion to "He's Not Afraid Of Anything." Last edited 08/12.
1. First Rock From the Sun

This is my response to literarylemming's "Five Meme" request.

* * *

**First Rock From the Sun**

_Simon, I must. I need to defeat this, or it will haunt me forever. I will _not_ fail._

Right, Water-Girl. Way to go. Because you know what happened last time you were going to master this challenge.

_This should not be difficult. It is solid; I am liquid. We are the same._

You're the most agile, dangerous, sexy genius pilot to ever set foot on this _go se_ satellite they have the nerve to call a planet. Just play it cool, River. Walk tall, gorgeous.

What are you looking at, buddy? Yeah, that's right, you sleazy _hun dan_; you better think twice before messing with me. You walk _alone_!

_I am prepared to meet the challenge. It is time._

Or not.

Rutting hell. What backbirth decided it would be a good idea to freeze ice cream on a bloody _string_?!

Oh, for—. Jayne's seen you, and he's laughing like you're even dumber-looking than he is in that god-awful orange monstrosity you "borrowed." Way to remind him just how _not_ childish and incompetent you are, Riv. Let's just congratulate you on your complete success in everything today.

Fuck.


	2. Twice Shy

**Twice Shy**

Huh.

Just…

Huh.

_Legendary Layne: The Curious Case of Clit-o-patra's Kiss_, reads the vid-loop's title. The man in the teaser image looks very familiar.

_Twin brother_, my ass.


	3. Triple Threat

**Triple Threat**

Inara Serra greeted the impolite pounding on the door to her shuttle with a stormy face. Once she took in the distressed form before her, however, her features softened. River Tam stood disheveled at the entryway, eyes wild, breathing heavy and irregular.

Inara opened her mouth to extend a welcome, but the younger woman pushed past and began pacing the shuttle's floor.

"River? Are you—"

"Illogical! Complete and utter nonsense! Lunacy!" River stared at the older woman through her outburst.

Inara remained calm. "Yes, dear. This does not seem one of your better days."

The Core-bred woman was rewarded with a scowl. "Not _me_! This! This 'masterwork' of antiquity."

River glowered at the book in her hands, which Inara noted for the first time.

"What are you reading, _mei mei_?"

The young pilot held the book so Inara could read the cover—_Twelfth Night, or What You Will_, attr. William Shakespeare.

"River, dear, that play is a classic of English-language literature," Inara reminded.

"Classic piece of _go se_," muttered River. Louder, she continued, "A set of twins with one male child and one female child is fraternal; the children are _not_ identical. For Orsino and Olivia, not to mention Antonio, the supposed wise fool Feste, _and_ Malvolio to mistake Viola and Sebastian so completely the characters all must have been blind! Additionally, a count would never have married Viola after her ruse was revealed; he would have had her flogged and jailed, regardless of affection or int—"

"River!" Inara interrupted. "Let it go. It's a romantic comedy. Romance. _Comedy_. Laugh at the foolish misunderstandings; yell at the characters to get it together; applaud when they finally work things out. Remember: it doesn't have to make _sense_."

River paused and considered.

"So—it's just like you and Captain Daddy?"


	4. Fourth Dimension

**Fourth Dimension**

There it was again. That damn Jaynethought leisurely traversing her brain. That gave it time to slide its focus from the blue of his eyes to the bulging muscles of his upper body.

This thought was hers at least. That was a comfort. Still, it did little to explain the similar thoughts she received from his brain. Not that he was focused on _his_ eyes; his thoughts transmitted to River images of _her_ eyes, _her_ upper body, _her_ muscled thighs and calves.

It was off-putting that neither fear nor anger nor pity nor hatred nor frustration accompanied these images of his—River had lived her entire life surrounded by such responses. Simon was an exception, of course, with his impulse to protect and attempts to understand. Gabriel and Regan had occasionally radiated pride; when she was younger, there had even been rare moments of unbridled joy at the youngest Tam's mere existence.

More recently, Serenity's crew had thrown awe at her, and loyalty, and even trust, sometimes. And those could be examined, explained, and quantified. She had saved their lives, fought off grown men with confounding ease, and been the unwilling victim of a sadistic institution; she was useful and nearly always lucid and sincerely meant well.

Nothing she had done or experienced explained what Jayne saw and felt about the River-entity. Mixed in with the sensations were the familiar: awe at her abilities and loyalty to the woman who had saved his life. There were other recognizable concepts, though their presence and strength baffled River: pride in her skills, greater than any her parents had felt; a desire to protect that rivaled even Simon's; joy, purer than any she'd known, derived simply from close physical proximity to her.

Jayne did not have the familial bond or its genetic incentives for such strong emotional ties to River, which contributed to the genius's confusion. What possible benefit could the mercenary derive from forging an attachment to her? She had already proven that she could and would save his life, even when he'd felt nothing but fear and anger about her.

She wondered if the figurative Rosetta Stone to this enigma might lie in the _other_ sensations she caught from Jayne. River had never been the object of such a strong desire—almost a _need_—to experience extended physical contact. Kaylee hugged to express affection, of course, and maintain social bonds, as would Simon, who always held his _mei mei_ when she was in need of comfort.

Before Jayne, no one had ever wanted to touch River for innocent and honest pleasure. They—_them, the bad_—they had corrupted touch, sought twisted pleasure from her pain, and she had known the wrongness in it. Jayne was different. Jayne imagined _her_ pleasure and finding his pleasure in hers. He wanted his touch to make her happy because to elicit such a response would give him joy.

What she found most disconcerting was that she reciprocated his desire for physical contact. She did not _understand_ from where his desire and strong emotions came, but she reveled in them—had begun to feel them for _him_, even.

So it was that she found herself inundated with her Jayne-thoughts, nearly incapable of disentangling his name from even the most unconnected task—piloting, for example, or washing dishes in the mess. She caught herself studying his form more frequently, admiring the stunning specimen of human male anatomy his body offered.

Distracted by sensations and musings within her brain, River failed to notice Jayne's face nearing her own until his lips tentatively covered hers. He pulled back after a moment and studied her eyes.

_Maybe I don't have to understand everything_, she thought, lifting her mouth to rejoin his.


	5. Five Alive

**Five Alive**

"It is simply _impossible_, Kaylee!"

"River, calm down. I'm sure he had a very good reason—"

"A reason!?" River interrupted her sister-in-law. "For standing me up? For making me look an idiot in front of all those women?"

"River, I'm sure no one even noticed or thought anything of it," Kaylee placated.

"I'm a Reader, remember? There was one insipid blonde—just the kind Jayne would _fuck_—who took a great deal of pleasure in my discomfort. And she wasn't the only bitch in that place thinking the same thing," River argued.

Kaylee winced at her friend's harsh language. Jayne _had_ left her to fend for herself in a tavern popular with working girls and disreputable men, but he adored River—practically _worshipped_ the young woman, a fact that still bothered Kaylee's own _bao bei_, Simon. Jayne wouldn't have stood her up on purpose; although River was capable of handling herself, all those men admiring his girl would have driven him crazy. There must have been another explanation. "Well, did you get a read from Jayne earlier today? Maybe something that could explain his plans?"

River huffed in annoyance. She'd been trying so hard to give Jayne his own head space, but, like everything else about her man, his emotions lacked the subtlety that would have made them easy to avoid. "He was very anxious about something that he wished to hide from me, and I like to let him have his secrets, so I didn't push. I simply agreed to meet him for dinner at that horrid establishment," she remembered.

"And he never showed," finished Kaylee. "How long did you wait?"

"A full thirty minutes!" exclaimed the brunette, becoming agitated again. "I waited that whole time with all of those women and those filthy men with their eyes going places they wished their hands were and—" she began to shudder with the memory.

Jayne exploded into the mess. As he saw River shaking and sobbing, the package he held fell from his arms, which engulfed her and gathered her to him. He glared at Kaylee, silently demanding an explanation.

Kaylee surprised herself by giving him a cool look. "I hope for your sake you've a good reason for getting River into this state," she declared, turning her back on him. On her way from the mess, she spared a look at the package Jayne had dropped and paused.

It was _two_ packages—one a large square box, the other a tiny—_oh!_ Kaylee's eyes widened as she bent to retrieve it. A muffled squeak escaped from the larger box, and she jumped in surprise, darting a glance at Jayne. The big man was completely focused on the upset woman in his arms and didn't seem to notice Kaylee placing both packages on the dining table. She slipped from the room to take up a vigil just outside the entryway, where Jayne wouldn't see her.

After all, she reasoned, River might not be in a listening mood, and she might need Kaylee for more girl talk. She was only being a good sister and friend. Simon would approve.

"River, darlin', can't you tell me what's wrong?" Kaylee heard Jayne's voice, gentle and soft, over River's choked sobs.

"You—I waited—and the women—and the _men_—and where _were_ you?" she cried.

"Baby, I was waitin' on you at the restaurant. I got worried, so I came back here to look for you. Didn't ya get my message?" Kaylee was impressed at Jayne's self-control. He remained calm, didn't even get defensive. She wondered if the emotional high from preparing a proposal had given him more patience than normal or if it was River who had mellowed him.

"Mess—message?" River hiccupped.

"Gorram that idiot _hun dan_! Malcolm Reynolds is good for exactly two things: gettin' shot and turnin' perfectly decent plans to _go se_!" Jayne fumed.

"Wait. I—you're confusing me," River pleaded. "Explain."

"Mal was s'posed to find ya and say that there'd been some kind of problem at the meet and we needed ya to save me. He was s'posed to bring ya to the restaurant, and it was gonna be the best damn surprise! I'm even holding his favorite coat hostage, so he would have some real fear there for you to read," Jayne sounded proud of his foresight.

"I received no message. I do not understand the need for subterfuge. If you wanted to dine at a reputable restaurant, there was no need to mislead me. I had no desire to eat at that _establishment_," River spat the last word venomously. Her language always got fancier when she was talking to someone who'd got her sore.

Kaylee could hear the smile in Jayne's voice. "Weren't about the restaurant so much as the rest of the surprise," he said gently.

River's voice sounded wary. "Surprises have not ended well for me today. I would prefer directness and clarity now."

Jayne chuckled. "This ain't exactly the way I wanted to do this, River, but I guess it ain't so much about the how as the what. Let me up a minute."

Kaylee peeked around the corner and saw Jayne retrieve his packages from the table before returning to the sofa and pulling River back into his lap. Before she could duck back out of sight, Jayne caught her eye and nodded. Kaylee flushed bright red and hid around the corner.

"River Tam, you oughta know by now that I love you, and I never 'spected to love any woman 'cept my ma. And I thought about this for a while, and I talked to yer brother 'bout it, and I decided that even though I ain't done nothin' in my entire life to be worth even the tiniest bit of you, I've got ya, and I damn well want to keep you. I want you to move into my bunk and meet my ma, and maybe—someday—I can be Pa to a passel of kids with your brains and looks and my… well, my name, I guess. Cobb—not Jayne," he hurriedly explained.

"So, I, uh, I guess what I'm sayin' here is that I want to marry you more'n I've ever wanted anythin' in the 'verse, and I've been around long enough and to enough places to want more'n I'd know what to do with, and I didn't get most of those things, but I'm glad of that 'cause if I'd got them, I couldn't be here right now with you," he finished, and Kaylee beamed at the hope and honesty in his voice.

"I am pleased that you love me and wish to marry me. I still do not understand the need for subterfuge to tell me this," River stated clearly. She sounded kind of like _Serenity_'s warning system, all recorded and precise.

"Gorram, woman! I wanted to propose all romantic-like, the way Doc did to little Kaylee! It's s'posed to be what all little girls dream about!" Jayne exclaimed, frustrated that River had not accepted his proposal.

"What are you proposing, _bao bei_?" River was still so confused. Kaylee shook her head. Clearly genius was overrated.

"I'm askin' ya to marry me, you moonbrained woman! I'm askin' ya to be my wife! I'm proposin' that we get hitched! You gotta say yes'r no, here!" Jayne's patience was wearing thin with strain of anxiety, and his voice had gone a little high. Kaylee wished she had her capture along.

"Oh! I—Well, of course, I'll marry you. I never needed a proposal," River sounded baffled.

Kaylee imagined Jayne shaking his head in disbelief.

"Oh! Damn! You gotta open yer boxes here! They're gonna die—" Jayne cut himself off before he said anything more.

Kaylee peeked around the corner again. River opened the small box and placed the band she found inside on her ring finger without ceremony before tearing into the larger box.

The pilot's face lit up in wonder as she saw the contents, and she exhaled happily. "Hello, Viola and Orsino! Will you have many babies and be in love forever, just like Jayne and me?" she queried the box's occupants.

Jayne guffawed. "What kind of fool names are those, woman? Thought you'd wanna name 'em after a couple of genius-types or somethin'. Don't think I've ever heard of a genius called 'Or-see-no.'"

Kaylee barely held back her giggle at the look River gave her fiancé, her nose turned up just the tiniest bit. "I would explain, except that it is mostly nonsense," the younger female said with authority.

Jayne rolled his eyes at his woman before deciding a change of subject might be the best course of action. "So, I did some research and it turns out that rats like these'uns are the smartest little animals around. And Mal weren't gonna let us keep cats—so, rats. Thought they was a good engagement present."

He paused and looked at the wall behind River before continuing. "They ain't gonna be havin' no babies. Cap'n's rules—sterile. Think they might even be brother and sister, which makes the idea of them fallin' in love just a little creepy," he muttered with a peek at his chosen bride.

There was a silent moment before River threw her arms around Jayne and squeezed tightly. "It's better this way. No unwanted offspring." The force with which Jayne hugged River back made Kaylee's throat tighten and her eyes start to burn. After everything that evil Academy had done, Simon hadn't been certain if his sister could get pregnant and have babies the natural way, and the whole thing was just awful. And Kaylee knew both Tam siblings needed people to remind them that they _were_ wanted, and she tried to make sure and show them both that fact every day.

After another somber moment, River spoke. "Jayne? Where _is_ Captain Daddy?"

Jayne inhaled sharply with realization. "_Go se_," he exclaimed, standing. "C'mon, future Mrs. Cobb, let's go rescue the father of the bride."

Kaylee ducked back to hide in the shadows as the pair exited the mess.

"Mrs. Cobb-_Tam_," River corrected the big man. "Patriarchy hurts us all," she explained.

"_Cobb_," Jayne countered. "It was good 'nough for my ma."

"I am not your mother. Cobb-_Tam_," River repeated.

Kaylee blinked back tears and shook from silent laughter as the newly engaged pair exited _Serenity_ still bickering.


End file.
